Douchebag Bars

Sometimes, I question whether or not to review some bars because well, I don't want them to be ruined by hipsters or douchers that think they're cool because they are going somewhere off the beaten path. Fortunately, most of these people are way too afraid to go to most of my favorite places on the South Side of Peoria. I am the type of person that would rather go somewhere that is questionable than have to deal with douchebags at a bar in a safer neighborhood. I know I am running the risk of pissing some people off but the purpose of this post is to list bars that I consider to be mostly inhabited by douchers. If anyone has anything to say about this, feel free to comment on the blog, PBR's Facebook page, or send me some hate mail at peoriabarreview@yahoo.com.

In order to fully understand this phenomenon, I must investigate these bars and why it is that they seem to attract douchers on a regular basis. I have come to several conclusions as to why it is that certain bars attract a certain type of people. But first, let us define the word douchebag. Urban Dictionary has a shitload of possible definitions for the word, all of which could work for different people. I think the one that best suits this post though, is this:

Douchebag
An individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intelligence, behaving ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic he or she appears.

In my mind, this is the best definition. To put it simply, douchebags are those who think they are better than everyone else, without having any evidence to back it up. They believe that, in any given situation they are the coolest, best looking person in the room. They believe they have a better taste in music than everyone else and usually do their best to make sure everyone knows that. Douchers usually hang out in groups because they can't handle hanging out by themselves. The group allows them to feel like they are wanted/needed when in reality they are not. You will never see a douchebag sitting at the bar by himself, quietly watching the game, and making casual conversation with whomever is sitting next to him. If he/she (yes there are female douchebags) is sitting by him or herself at the bar, they will be on their phone the whole time, waiting for reinforcements to arrive. They are completely incapable of having any fun on their own, or making friends with anyone that isn't a fellow doucher.

Ironically, most hipsters, who claim to be the mortal enemy of the douchebag, share many of these traits. You will rarely see a hipster hanging out by himself and they are notorious for clogging the jukebox with what they think is good music. Hipsters ARE NOT anti-douchebags they are simply douchers with a different style of dress, a general lack of athleticism, a love for stupid tattoos/piercings, and the belief that they are cool because they are constantly searching for "undiscovered" bands. Once, these bands become popular enough to be played by prototypical douchebags, hipsters will no longer listen to them. A perfect example of this would be MGMT and especially Kings of Leon. These bands were all the rage for hipsters, until they became popular amongst the douchebag set. You will no longer find any self respecting hipster who claims to like MGMT, they will also tell you that Kings of Leon "sold out".

I think it is safe to say though, that douchebags and hipsters rarely hang out in the same places. As a matter of fact, there is a bigger chance that some of my favorite dive bars will be invaded by hipsters rather than douchebags. Just as they search for undiscovered bands, hipsters do the same with bars. Hipsters will find a bar that they think is cool, then they'll go to it and most annoyingly, NOT TALK TO ANY OF THE REGULARS. This, to me is a cardinal sin. There is absolutely no way to get a feel for a place without at least making friends with the bartender. Most of the time though, hipsters do all of society a favor and generally stay to themselves by having house parties, where they drink PBR or Miller High Life and take a shitload of pictures of themselves. I mean, how can you have a good time unless you take pictures showing how good of a time you are having? I don't know about you but when I'm going out to get hammered, I leave the camera at home. Delicate technology does not mix well with consuming massive amounts of the Creature. Basically, there are not many bars that I would consider to be "hipster bars", the only possible exception being the Elbo Room. So, I guess, kudos to hipsters for at least keeping to themselves.

Douchebags on the other hand can be found at many bars in and around Peoria, especially on the North Side. The hallmarks of a douchebag bar are many. First of all, there must be some kind of special on "bomb" shots. D-bags absolutely love shots with Red Bull in them. To me this makes no sense. If I am trying to get drunk then why in the name of fuck would I want to mix sweet, sweet booze with something that is intended to do the exact opposite of alcohol? It makes no sense. Take a real shot, you pussy. Another thing that attracts douchers like flies to shit are bags. I don't know what the attraction is. I suspect though that the reason bags are so popular among douchers is because they suck at traditional bar games. So what do you do when you can't play pool, darts or shuffleboard? You make up your own game. Seriously, my 8 yr. old cousin could play bags just as well as anybody you've ever seen playing the game. It takes very little skill, is easy to learn, and is different than the games normally provided by bars. All three of these things are very attractive to the douchebag set. Lastly, cover bands. Douchebags are afraid of things that they don't know, therefore you will never see them attending a concert by a local/unknown artist. But if there is a cover band playing they will pack the house so they can sing along to all the hits. They will never go to a karaoke bar and sing the song themselves because they are afraid of looking stupid. They believe by singing along with the band that they look cool because they are having SUCH AN AWESOME TIME! In reality, they still look like dumbasses. I'm not saying that people should never get drunk and sing along with a band, that is our right as Americans. It just seems like douchers do this, to make it seem like they are having such a better time than everyone else. What the reason is for this type of behavior I will never know.

So now that we've finally determined what it is that attracts douchebags to certain bars, we can list them in order of douchiness. I'm not saying that these bars suck, most of them are cool places that I go to quite frequently. What I am saying, is that I try to avoid these places on the weekends because the douche factor is always higher on Friday and Saturday night. I'll start from the bottom and work my way up.

Johnny Vig's

Bananas Alehouse and Eatery

Tomcats/Alleycats/St. Pauli Pub

Kouri's Pub

Crusen's on War Memorial Drive

Bar Louie

And the number one douchiest bar in Peoria is (drumroll).......Crusen's on Farmingon Road!

As time goes on, I'm sure I will add to this list. However, I don't think any bar will ever top Crusen's. Feel free to send in some suggestions, questions, comments, or angry tirades. Oh and if you think I'm just a hater, just remember this quote from the great Henry Rollins.

"Like many of you I hate, I hate alot. But I hate with style and creativity."