Peoria Institution: Friendly Valley

Located at 3708 N. Meadowbrook Lane in Peoria, the Valley is one of the longest standing bars in the city and one of the most unique. The building is a Quonset hut which, if you don't know anything about has a pretty interesting history. According to Wikipedia...


Between 150,000 and 170,000 Quonset huts were manufactured during World War II. After the war, the U.S. military sold the surplus Quonset huts to the public for $1,000 each^{[citation needed]}—this approached the cost of a small home.^{[citation needed]} Many are still standing throughout the United States. 


A quick and lazy google search didn't turn up much for Quonset huts that have been turned into bars but I'm guessing that that number is pretty low, which only adds to the uniqueness of the Valley. Also, the fact that Peoria used to have two Quonset hut bars probably makes it the coolest city ever. Remember the Locus Point Tap? The hut still stands but the bar closed its doors about six years ago. I was there and remember patrons burning the roadside wooden sign that directed weary travelers on Route 8 to the old tavern, a sad sight indeed. By the way, the place is for sale if anyone is interested in returning the bar to its former glory. 


As for the Valley, it's still going strong after about 40 years with no sign of slowing down. The beers are cheap, the barflies are friendly, and the jukebox consistently cranks out some of the best tunes in town. This, despite the fact that the Valley recently made the transition from the old school flip-disc style juke to the fancy new internet jukebox that everyone agrees is a great thing  piece of shit internet juke that allows people to play whatever God-awful shit they can find. These things suck a big bag of dicks but fortunately for you dear reader, you won't have to worry about hearing shit music at the Valley because most of the folks here have pretty damn good taste. 


The bar is a straight shot from left to right with the right side wrapping into the wall to make a path towards the bathrooms. The bar seats about 15 and there's not a table to be found. Above the bar is the fire marshall's maximum capacity sign that reads 48. Are you fucking kidding me? If there were 48 people in this bar it would be so packed there's a good chance it would implode due to the pressure.


Speaking of the folks at the Valley, they are pretty friendly as long as you don't ruffle any feathers, which you wouldn't want to do anyway right? The average age here for patrons is certainly older than the norm but that's what makes it fun. On my last trip there, Zig-Zag (remember that asshole?) and I ordered shots of whiskey and were asked if we wanted them chilled only after the matronly bartender had poured them. Now normally, less than desirable service like this would be annoying but at the Valley it simply makes it more endearing. Not to mention the fact that chilling shots of whiskey is boozehound sacrilege. It's the drinking equivalent of ordering a filet mignon well done and with ketchup. 


Side note - On a recent trip to Crusen's (yes I actually go in to the belly of beast from time to time), I ordered a Jameson only to find that the bottle amongst others, is kept in the beer cooler. So, even if you wanted whiskey straight up you can't have it, they're automatically chilled. Yet another reason why that bar sucks monkey lungs (copyright Marty Wombacher 2010.)


The inside of the bar is adorned with vintage beer and booze paraphernalia, most of which are no newer than the mid 90's. Included in this collection is the world's sweetest Miller High Life sign, I'll let you find it for yourself. Behind the bar is a large collection of union stickers representing just about all locals, including the stagehands. There is a pool table and a dart board to mess around on but space is tight so you might want to think about your leaves to line up the best possible shot. 


Another unique thing about the Valley is that they have a backyard. Yes, a bar with its own back yard. It's a pretty big one too and a peaceful place to hang out. As a matter of fact, there aren't too many other better places to be than relaxing under the limbs of giant mulberry and pin oak trees with green grass beneath your feet on a cool summer night out behind the Valley. Everytime I think about back home, it's cool and breezy. And if you're in to trend sports that reached their peak in the late 80's there's a sand volleyball pit to keep you busy. I think it's more for looks though, as I've never seen anyone engaged in a game. Sometimes the Valley will have fires, something they must get a permit for so don't walk out back and just start burning stuff in the fire pit, not a good idea.


The owner is present most nights, either sitting at the bar or smoking a cancer stick on the deck attached to the right side of the building. If you look above the co-ed sink outside the bathrooms, there's a brilliant picture of him sitting on the toilet, drinking a Bud Light, and holding a Bible. The caption reads "the Lord works in mysterious ways." He certainly does.


I can't say with any certainty that the Valley is a neighborhood bar because there really isn't a neighborhood anywhere nearby. It's simply an oddity that folks driving to or from Landmark stop and have a few in just because it's there and it looks friendly, I guess. What the Valley most certainly is is an easy going place filled with folks just trying to have a good time. That, and it's a Peoria Institution.


So, if you've never been or been a thousand times, swing by the Valley and toss a few back because places like this are few and far between so let's enjoy them while we can.


Cheers to Friendly Valley and cheers to dives everywhere that are hanging on in these tough times.

The Red Barn

The Red Barn is located at 621 W. Glen Ave. in North Peoria near Sheridan Rd. The Red Barn, like the Hole in the Wall in Pekin is an extremely aptly named tavern. Whether or not this building ever served as a barn is beyond me but if I had to guess, I'd say no. In lieu of providing livestock, this barn provides live music. Fuck I'm clever! As a matter of fact there really is only two things to do at the Red Barn; drink and play or listen to music.

There is a small group of regulars that show up around 5 to watch the news and shoot the shit, but really this place is all about the music. There are only two (2) tv's and no games.That's right, no pool, no shuffleboard, no crackbox, Golden Tee, or Silver Strike. The Barn might be the only place in Peoria that doesn't have at least one of these entertainment options available. That's fine with me because the Red Barn is always booking bands (many from the Peoria area) to play. Tuesdays and Fridays are open mic nights with drums and a PA.

This is really why the Red Barn is so important to Peoria. It is one of many taverns like Pizza Works and the Whammy Bar that do their absolute best to support local and non-local original music. Sure, lots of bars book cover bands and lots of people pack Crusens and the like every weekend to see them. But for a bar owner to take a chance on a local, unsigned act to play in his/her bar takes a certain amount of courage. In short, this means that the owner is more commited to supporting upcoming musicians than packing their bar in order to make money. This kind of thing just doesn't happen that often anymore. If you can't appreciate that, than have fun at some other bar where the owner is more busy finding out ways to make money than trying to keep their patrons happy. I realize that not everyone is willing to take a chance on a band that they've never heard of but sometimes, it is necessary to step outside your comfort zone. You never know, you might stumble upon a gem like Tina Sparkle, the Yorktown Prophet, or Derrick Hart.

When you walk into the barn you'll see a small and extremely worn bar that, if you look closely used to be red. Years of elbows and beer spills have made the paint all but non-existent. The bar seats only about ten but there are several booths on the wall to sit at. As you walk towards the back, the bathrooms are on the left. Both the women's and the men's are covered with graffiti from folks all over the country who have either played with or watched a band at the Barn. The only maxim that comes to mind is; "Remember it is usually better to pissed off than pissed on!" Usually!? I would think it is always better to pissed off than pissed on but apparently this individual does not subscribe to that idea. You could spend an hour in each bathroom and still not finish reading all signatures, quotes, and words of wisdom inscribed in every corner.

Past the bathroom is the stage. It is only a few inches high but the tall ceiling makes it seem bigger. This is the part of the building that most resembles a barn. There are exposed rafters and a tall ceiling and the walls are bare wood. Other than the stage lights shining on the performers, the only illumination in the back room are small red candles that dot each table. I can attest that when you are on stage these candles stick out more than faces surrounding them. The contrast in atmosphere from the front bar area to the stage in back is staggering. It's like walking from a hole-in-the-wall in Peoria straight into a beatnik-era club in Greenwich Village. It is definitely one of my (and many others) favorite places to play. There is even an old church pew to relax on while enjoying music. A friend of the PBR made the observation that it is "surely not a Catholic pew, because it's much to comfortable." He's got a good point.

Originally, I intended to talk to the owner, Buffalo Dan Solomon and get some history on the Barn. I still plan on doing this but a recent article from Phil Luciano kind of changed the direction of this review. I won't go through all the details, you can read them here. Basically, the owner of the Back Store owns everything surrounding the Red Barn, including a shared parking lot. After years of paying rent on the lot and paying for its upkeep every year, this gentleman decided he wasn't making enough money in rent. Buffalo Dan said he would not pay the jacked up price, so the owner of the Back Store, Ken Humphrey, put up barricades to block the Barn's patrons from parking. Illegal? No. Dick move? Yes.

He has also purchased the old gas station on the corner of Sheridan and Glen and plans on turning it into a restaurant. I'm not sure how well that will work and I hope he does well. I am in support of any and all local businesses succeeding no matter how much of an ass the owner is. What doesn't make sense is why he would piss off many of the people who go to the Red Barn and could possibly be patrons at his new restaurant. After all, this is a neighborhood tavern and the Barn was there first, so I think it would be safe to say that the neighborhood's loyalties would lie with their bar. The reason I say that this is a dick move is because Solomon was originally paying $250 a month for shared use of the lot. In reality, this is an incredibly cheap price. Humphrey told Solomon he wanted $600 and Dan said no. Humphrey than countered with an offer of $500. Dan again said no and that was the end of the discussion. Could these two businessmen not split the difference? I have a feeling Buffalo Dan would be willing to do so. Whether or not Humphrey would is something I doubt. Rant over.

So, if you've never been to the Barn or you've been there a hundred times, go in and show your support, if you're so inclined. I would have no problem parking across the street if necessary in order to show my support for Buffalo Dan and the Red Barn.

Cheers to the Red Barn and cheers to local music!                                                      

Jillian's

Okay, it's been a while since the PBR has written a negative review. After the controversy over the Douchebag Bars post, our editor in chief decided it would be good to hold off on bashing a place for a while. So, since there has been several positive reviews in the past couple of weeks it is time to even the scales. In case you hadn't already gotten the hint and you happen to be someone who really likes Jillian's you might not want to read this post. And away we go....

Jillian's is located in the former Linen's and Things building at the The Shoppes at Grand Prairie (aka the new mall). I never went in there when it was still Linen's and Things but they must have had a lot of "things" in there because this place is fucking huge. One thing I will say about Jillian's is that it is a great place to take your kids or host a birthday party. There are plenty of games for the kiddies to play and a nice selection of food and drinks for the adults as well as a comfortable bar and dining area complete with plenty of TV's. There is even a bowling alley with 6 or 7 lanes for your pin-knockin-down pleasure. The games run the gamete from classics like skee-ball and the basketball free-throw game to newer video games like Time Crisis (my personal favorite) and some take-your-chance games that you can win tickets off of. Just like Chuck E Cheese there are a bunch of corny prizes to "buy" with your tickets. They even have a guitar for the low low price of 9000 tickets. However, you would probably have to spend about $200 to get that many tickets. Beyond all that, there really isn't anything about Jillian's that's all that great. It is just not a place that I (or any of my friends for that matter) would want to go to to have drinks.

The bar at Jillian's is really nice and has four (4) large flatscreens and a good selection of beers on tap and in bottles. What's the problem with that you ask? Well it might have to do with the fact that everything at Jillian's is outrageously overpriced. I drank four beers there and my tab was almost thirty dollars. Now, that might not be a big deal for some of you but for me, that is quite ridiculous. Usually after spending thirty dollars at a bar I'm pretty well buzzed and probably ready to call it a night. Another thing that pisses me off about Jillian's are the pool tables. They are absolutely gorgeous. They are full size nine foot tables with red felt and copper pockets. I don't think I've ever shot on a table as nice as the ones at Jillian's. There is just one problem; they cost TWELVE FUCKING DOLLARS AN HOUR! Oh, and this price goes up on the weekends and at night. I've been to Jillian's twice now and have yet to see anyone playing on them, what a waste. The food is decent but once again overpriced. Basically, you're eating Chili's style food but paying 2-3 dollars more on any given dish.

This review is not a knock on anyone who works at or frequents Jillian's. If you like the place, good for you, it's just not my thing. Actually, it kind of is my thing, just not at those prices. Hell, they serve beer at Chuck E Cheese and have practically the same amount of games! Not to mention, they are far cheaper. I think this is another example the "new place" syndrome. Where in, a new place opens up and a bunch of people (with more money than me) pack the joint just because it's pretty inside. In my mind, going somewhere and paying more for a beer when there are plenty of places around that are just as nice but cheaper and, in some cases locally owned, is the same thing as buying a Hummer. Really, you really need a fucking Hummer? What are you, preparing for the Apocalypse? Don't worry though, this place will rake in the dough, all of which will go to whatever corporation owns Jillian's, far, far away from Peoria. Sure, we'll make money off the taxes but I just loath chains. I would have much rather seen a local business open up in this location. Although that's probably impossible due to the sheer magnitude of the building.

Oh, and there was an assload of douchebags in Affliction and Ed Hardy gear there as well as plenty of Hummers in the parking lot. So, the PBR will not be giving a cheers to Jillian's, we will save our cheers for places that actually deserve it. In case you have forgotten you can send your hate mail to peoriabarreview@yahoo.com, post it on the Facebook page, or just let it fly in the comments section! The PBR will however give a cheers to staff writer DS who was supposed to write this post months ago when Jillian's first opened and is just now getting around to it. Cheers DS!

Bullpen Sports Bar at Landmark

The Bullpen Sports Bar is located inside the Landmark Recreation Center on Dries Lane in Peoria. For those of you who don't know, this space was formally occupied by the Off-Track Betting Parlor. While, I think its kind of sad to see that place go (childhood memories and all) I fully understand the decision to do away with a space so large and devoted solely to betting on horses mainly because OTB's are on their way out. There was a time when almost every town had one and betting on horse racing was very popular. There was also a time when someone combined the words "leisure" and "suit" for some unknown reason. I remember going to the OTB with my dad when I was a kid. Get a racecard, pick your horse (usually based on how cool the name was), and place your bet. Apparently though, dads taking their sons there once a year wasn't enough to keep the place afloat. Another remnant of the past is gone forever. But there is something to be happy about and that something is the Bullpen.

I cannot stress enough how big this place is. If I had to guess, I'd say about 1600 square feet. The Bullpen is a typical modern sports bar but it has the feel of someplace one might find in Chicago. There are at least 30 flatscreens in every corner of the bar as well as two enormous projections, one right over the bar and another just to the right of it. Now, if this sounds like too much for you, than you can go Fuck Off, because there are some serious sports nuts in this town and not enough places to actually watch a game.

To be clear, when I say "watch a game" there are certain number of things I am looking for. First off, I would like to actually hear the sound of said game. Nothing is worse than watching a prime time sporting event and having it drowned out by someone's jukebox picks. I have seen this scenario all too often. During the final minutes of this year's NCAA Men's National Championship Game, I had to endure "Picture" by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow. Now, I realize that not everyone cares about sports as much as I do but come the fuck on! How can there be a person that exists who still wants to hear that damn song? Most big sports bars that you go to will have the audio on for big games but what separates the men from the boys is having the audio on for every game. I was pleasantly surprised on my first trip to the Bullpen when I found the Cubs game on with audio. The Cardinals were playing as well and they went to that game as soon as the Cubs finished off the Mets. I'm not sure how they decided which game to play but I have a feeling they pick whatever game is on first.

Besides my fascination with gameday audio, there are plenty of other things that are sweet about the Bullpen. There are 3 pool tables, 2 bags games, a shuffleboard table (right to left baby right to left!), and some kind of horse racing game that is huge and I don't have any idea how it works, but it's cool they decided to pay tribute to the bar's heritage. Another bit of awesomeness that the Bullpen provides are the Towers. The Towers are clear cylinder that hold 200 ounces of beer. That's......... oh I don't know I suck at math, but I do know that's a lot of beer and beer is good! You can get a half (must have a minimum of two people) or a full (minimum of four). To get one filled with domestic beer (only Bud Light is good enough to grace the inside of a tower) it'll cost you $20, imports are $30. I find it funny that they had to enforce the "minimum people" rule for consuming one of these. I don't doubt that some dumbass (me) would have tried to order one for himself but you would think common sense would come into play.

Bartender: Do you seriously think you can drink all that beer before it gets warm?
Me: Do you seriously think I will give a fuck if it is warm after I drink the first 100 ounces?
Bartender: Good point. ONE TOWER OF BUD LIGHT TO TABLE 3!

Now that little scenario has played itself out in my head, we can move on to the food. The menu is your typical pub food; burgers, pizza, wings, etc. but there are some interesting items not found many other places. For one they have these things called salads, which I was very excited about until the waitress informed me that they consist mostly of lettuce. There are seven of them though, which is more than I've ever seen on a bar menu. I wanted to get chicken wings but my girlfriend reminded me that I had already reached my weekly quota of 24. So, I settled for a little snack of catfish curls, queso dippers, and loaded fries. All were good, especially the catfish strips. Unknowingly, I had ordered almost the exact same thing as Phil Luciano when he reviewed the Bullpen. Seeing as we are the only two people in Peoria who write about such important things, maybe a little planning would have helped to provide you the reader with some critiques of other menu items. Call me Phil. The Bullpen has drink and food specials for every day of the week. I know that Wednesdays are $1 domestic drafts and 1/2 price appetizers, beyond that I can't remember, I'll post them ASAP.

The beers are many. The Bullpen has a six foot cooler full of bottles that I didn't look at because there people sitting in front of it and I didn't want to be a creep. On draft are Erdinger, Guinness, Smithwicks, Blue Moon, Harp, Budweiser, Bud Light (mmmmm), and Miller Lite ( learn how to spell assholes!) I don't know the prices of all of these but it doesn't really matter, the Bullpen's specials ensure that you will find a deal every day of the week, no matter what your taste.

One final thought about the Bullpen. I realize that sports bars are pretty much all the same. I also realize that one could go to Old Chicago or Buffalo Wild Wings and get pretty much the same atmosphere provided by the Bullpen. But one of the things that drives me crazy about Peorians is their occasional unwillingness to support local businesses. Look at Grand Prairie. The place is packed all the time. As are Old Chicago, BWW, and other places like them (Panera). Have you eaten at any of these places? The food sucks! I could make better chicken wings with ketchup and turkey for fucks sake! I honestly believe that there are people in this city who see a chain restaurant go up and would rather go there because it has "proven" itself, rather than take a chance on a lesser known but local place like the Bullpen. First of all, the only thing that chain restaurants have proven is that they are good at making money, not necessarily food. Ask your friends where the best wings are or who makes the best pizza. I'm guessing not many of them say BWW or Old Chicago. If they do, they are either A. fucking stupid or B. extremely sheltered. If they are B get them to Schooners for some wings and either Hoops, Double A's, or Aggi's for pizza. Then ask them that question again. If they still say they prefer the aforementioned chains, cut off all contact with them, they cannot be saved. More than likely though, they will thank you for exposing them to such local favorites. And if they do thank you, you can't really take credit for it, because I was the one who told you to do it in the first place. So, you must have them thank me. Just have them shout out; THANK YOU PEORIA BAR REVIEW! as loud as they can. If they are lucky, I will hear it and it will bring a smile to my face. And an angel will get some chicken wings, or something like that.

So, go check out the Bullpen the next time you want to watch and listen to a game uninterrupted by crappy jukebox picks. Or just go there and eat. It ain't healthy per se but fuck if it ain't good!
Cheers to local businesses and cheers to the Bullpen!

Bar Hours
Sunday - Wednesday 11am - 1am
Thursday - Saturday 11am - 2am
Kitchen Hours
Sunday - Thursday 11am - 11pm
Friday and Saturday 11am - 12am

7th of July 2011 update: I'm pleased to announce that the 'Pen has been a great success. I've thouroughly enjoyed watching some marquee sporting events there since I wrote this review. It gets a little crazy on Saturday nights but other than this place is a solide boozer and in my mind, the best place in town to watch big games.

Cheers to the Bullpen and R.I.P. to the OTB

Kouri's Pub

This review is for the Kouri's in Peoria located at 4421 N. Sterling Ave. in the building that used to be Mulligan's. I have not been to any of the other Kouri's. I believe they have locations in Pekin and Germantown Hills. Kouri's used to be just down the street where there is now a Sonic restaurant. First of all, let me say that the owners of Kouri's did a great job of renovating old Mulligan's. They did away with the old patio (which was only useful about 4 months out of the year) and constructed a new one complete with heaters, a fire pit, bar, and numerous TV's. This new patio is great because even in the winter, one can sit outside in relative comfort and smoke. In the warmer months, Kouri's patio is one of the best places in town to enjoy some adult beverages and nice weather.

Kouri's has (cue overused bar review term) a laid back atmosphere and generally speaking, a friendly staff. The food is good but nothing spectacular. Kouri's does have, in my opinion, the best honey mustard in town. Both the food and especially the drinks are overpriced but trust me, the clientele of Kouri's can afford it.


Unfortunately, this is part of the problem with Kouri's. They enjoy having a large group of regulars that, for the past twenty or so years have been continually pumping money into the joint. Now, I understand the need to keep your regulars happy but you have to cater to the newer (and usually less well dressed) patrons. This is something that I don't think the owners and some bartenders of Kouri's have taken to heart. And not to be cruel but someday, Kouris' regulars will...... well they'll be fucking dead. This is why it is important to be courteous to everyone that comes into your bar, not just the people you know. You may be saying to yourself, "what is it that Kouri's did that was so bad, Peoria Bar Review?" If you are asking this question then I'm guessing that you fall into a certain category of people that fit right in up at Kouri's and that's fine. I just don't think that I should have to be over the age of 35, have a good job, and dress like I just got off the golf course to get a drink in a decent amount of time. And no, saying "Whose leg do I have to hump to get a drink around here?" does not help.


The PBR rarely bitches about service at a bar, or a particular bar in general. That is because it does not take much to keep a group of level 7 drunks (those employed @ the PBR) happy. As long as the beer is relatively cold (cheapness helps) and served in a decent amount of time, most of us are happier than a puppy with two peters (Copyright "The MurphMan", 2008). There are occasions where bitching about a place whose sole purpose is to serve you is not only a right but an obligation to better serve the community. This is one of those times. Each of the following scenarios are personal experiences that have happened to TheChief. Both of them have been confirmed to have occurred to several members of the Peoria Bar Review staff as well.


Scenario 1 - Can I Get a Fucking Beer Around Here Or What?
There is a bartender at Kouri's who usually works inside and, at least to me, has always been a total dick. I'm not going to describe him because I don't want any loyal PBR readers to harass him but I will say that he's been working there for a long time, even at old Kouri's. Most of us know general barroom etiquette and most bartenders know it as well. Either this gentleman doesn't or he just does not give one simple fuck about anyone but the regulars. Several times, I have walked into Kouri's, pulled out my wallet, removed a greenback, and elbowed up to the bar. Of the 6 or 7 times this has happened, I can only think of one where the place was actually busy. Now, usually pulling out cash at a bar is a sure sign that you would like a drink. Apparently, this bartender has never heard of such a thing. I am not a patient person but this has happened so many times, that I actually find it kind of entertaining and will usually wait as long as I can before asking for a drink. Is he doing this just to spite me? Is he saying "I'm not serving you till you ask me to"? If so, this makes no sense. Most folks who tend bar get you your drink ASAP, just so they don't have to look at your ugly "can I get a beer please" face anymore. This man has never done that. Each time I have gone to the inside bar at Kouri's I always do the same thing. Pull out my money and wait. Maybe once, he actually came up to me and asked what I wanted. All the other times, I have had to wait till he made eye contact, in order to ask him; "Excuse me, your highness but I was wondering if I could trouble you for a moment. I would like a Budweiser Light bottle. If you would be so kind as to procure this for me, I would be ever so grateful and would gladly tip you a generous amount. Pip Pip." Then, and only then, will I finally get my beer. As if this weren't bad enough, there's another bartender outside, who does the exact same thing. Fuck.



Scenario 2 - DirectTV Is Awesome, Unless You Don't Know How To Use It
This past winter I stopped by Kouri's on a Sunday night to catch the end of a Blackhawks game. I fully realize that most people don't appreciate hockey like I do but on a Sunday night in the dead of winter (read. after football season) I figured Kouri's would be the place to go. Why did I assume this? Well for one, they have a ton of TV's and a ton of sports channels on that amazing thing called DirectTV. Little did I realize the fundamental flaw in this plan. No one at Kouri's has the slightest fucking idea how to find anything on DirectTV. We all know that the ladies aren't particularly talented when it comes to the old remote control but it seems when it comes to DirectTV and finding a sporting event, they are hopelessly unequipped (looking forward to hate emails from N.O.W.). It wasn't really the waitress' fault though. I tried looking for the game as well (Menu, Sports, Hockey....what the fuck?) and could not find it. What made this situation all the more maddening though was the fact that the game was on a TV at the bar inside. Intrigued by the inability of two, seemingly intelligent humans, to find a hockey game on a fucking TV, I joined the waitress inside. We asked the bartender (same guy as scenario 1, go figure!) to check what channel the TV was on, that was playing the game. Let me break down this conversation for you.

Waitress: "Hey can you check and see what channel this TV is on, he wants to watch the Blackhawks game and I can't find it outside."
Bartender: "No"
Me: "Well that went well"
Waitress: "Yah he's kind of a dick"

Eventually, we found the game and I watched the Hawks win. "So what's the big deal?" you say. Well, I'll tell you. I know its hard to navigate a computer or TV program you are not familiar with but there are certain things that everyone who works in a bar like Kouri's should know. People who go to Kouri's aren't going to ask you to turn it on Lifetime. They are going to watch sports. Moreover, they are probably going to watch local sports. So, all you need to know are the channels that are broadcasting the local teams on a given night. This is pretty easy to do, seeing as how the Journal Star publishes this list every day and the bar is equipped with a list of all channels on their box. More importanly, if this dickhead bartender would have just pointed the remote at the TV, clicked the channel down button, then taken that number and added a 1 (one), then I would have been able to watch the entire third period instead of the last 3 minutes and 46 seconds. Thanks alot dick. Rant over.

Kouri's is a good bar but not a great one. I don't see any reason why I should pay more money for a beer there than anywhere else in the area. I guess the people who go there feel better about themselves because they can afford to pay $7 (seven) for a pitcher of beer as opposed to the normal $5 one would pay just about anywhere else. To me, Kouri's is a place to stop by for a few drinks. I would never set up shop there for a marathon boozing session, it's just too expensive. The atmosphere is great, especially on nice days. Kouri's does have the best patio in town and this, I believe is what makes the place so popular. I'll give a half cheers to Kouri's. However, if scenarios one and two continue to play themselves out, I'll have no choice but to put Kouri's on my shitlist.b

Updare: Kouri's is officially on the shitlist. Go here to see why.

Last Chance, a popular three-shift bar and weekend bro-fest

A fellow word-maker for the sake of a newspaper with me at the papah has consistently defended the right of downtown bars to maintain 4 a.m. liquor licenses. His argument for them is simple: Peoria is, and always has been a three-shift town.

And while there 

Update from I forgot when

Yeah, this place has been getting worse by the week. During the winter months, the smoking patio is fucking ridiculous. I've joked that when you're out there for any significant amount of time, it's like getting hickory smoked. Just cut off some arm meat, put it on a bun and call it "pulled person." 

Thursday through Saturday is especially ridiculous. The bar is packed with loud mouthed 21-year-olds who seem like they're getting drunk for the first time. 

And the music, dear God, the music. It's fucking horrible and good luck trying to do anything about it after 11, it's next to impossible. It's only going to get worse this summer. 

Update also from I forgot when

These improvements have come at a price however. The changes to the Chance have brought in a different crowd. I'm starting to see a lot less regulars and a lot more new faces. Sometimes change is a good thing and sometimes it's not. To be clear, I'm not hating on the people that have recently discovered the Chance, the majority of them seem really nice. But we all know how the loud voices/actions of a minority can taint a whole group of people. 

Another problem with the recent renovations regards the pool tables. The Chance has always been, primarily, a billiards bar and now a wrench has been thrown into that system. The dart board has been moved to a place where, if more than two people are playing, it makes it very difficult to play pool on either of the pool tables. I'm not bothered that I can't play as much pool as before (I'm sure there are many who are) my concern is, believe it or not, safety.

It's only a matter of time before some drunken asshole gets in a fight with another drunken asshole over the pool table/dart board. Unfortunately, this is a case where owner of the Chance is trying to squeeze every possible dollar he can out of the joint. I know, it's his bar and it's his prerogative but this is part of the reason why he's losing so many loyal customers.

Another reason, is the fact that several of the regulars' favorite bartenders have been replaced with younger, cuter, and less experienced girls. I'm sure they're real nice but it's a lot like your team trading away your favorite player for someone who has promise but just isn't quite as good.

Times change and people have to adapt, it just sucks to see place you love go to shit, which, unfortunately is what's happening to the Last Chance. I'll still be there several nights a week, just not for as long as before.

I guess we could always stage a mutiny and get some of our favorite bartenders back. You know, like in episode one from the sixth season of Cheers? What's that? You're not familiar with that episode? Well here, let me refresh your memory, (if you're impatient, skip to the 3:15 mark).

Original Review

The Last Chance Bar and Grill is located at 2713 W. Second St. in north Peoria. If that address sounds confusing it's because it is. The Last Chance can be found north of the Super Wal Mart on Allen Rd. This bar is the last chance to get something to drink if your destination is either Dunlap or Princeville. I don't know why it took me so long to write a review for this place (procrastination) but most of my friends and I go there a few times a week.

The Chance is a family owned bar and on a given night, is usually filled with the same group of regulars. The Chance has two pool tables and a dart board. Over the bar, there are three nice TVs. Beers are cheap, I always get a pitcher of Bud Light ($5) and Jameson ($4). There are nightly specials for drinks and daily specials for food but they change every week so you'll just have to take my word for it. During the day, the Chance is more restaurant than bar as they have an extensive breakfast and lunch menu. The hours for food are listed below. Butch's pizzas are always available, Sunday nights are free chili dogs and Monday nights are free tacos.

Every week the Last Chance holds a drawing. Ask the bartender to sign up and she'll give you a notebook to put your name in (no pseudonyms if you want to get paid). Once you're in, you're in every week. The drawing is held from 7-8 on Wednesday night and costs nothing to enter. The prize starts at $25 and moves up by $25 increments for every week without a winner. And if you win a decent amount of money (over $100), you are expected to buy the house a round, which, at the Last Chance is pretty cheap.

Saturday nights are always packed and sometimes it takes a while to get your drink, unless you're regular. Basically, the reason I like this place so much (besides the fact that I know a lot of regulars) is that you can have it your way (fuck you Burger King!). If you're in the mood to just sit at the bar and go numb, you can do that. If you're looking for some casual conversation, you can have that too. In short, there aren't a lot of abrasive personalities that hang out at the Last Chance. It's just a regular bar filled with regular folks. That may sound boring but, I think sometimes we all need a good shot of normalcy. I know I do.


Update II - Yah, this place has been getting douchier by the week. During the winter months, the smoking patio is fucking ridiculous. I joked that when you're out there for any significant amount of time, it's like getting hickory smoked. Just cut of some arm meat, put it on a bun and call it "pulled person." Thursdays through Saturdays are especially ridiculous with the bar packed to capacity with loud mouthed 21 year olds who seem like they're getting drunk for the first time. And the music, dear God, the music. It's fucking horrible and good luck trying to do anything about it after 11, it's next to impossible. It's only going to get worse this summer. Good luck barflies of Peoria!

The Fox Pub and Cafe

The Fox Pub and Cafe is located at 7800 N. Sommer St. in north Peoria. It actually resides in the building that formerly housed Double A's Pizza in the shopping center adjacent to the old K's Merchandise, off of Pioneer Parkway. The Fox is a nice (classy, no belligerent drunks) place that caters mostly to a lunch and dinner crowd. Currently they are only open until 10 PM. I would think, however that this closing time is flexible depending on the crowd on a given night.

The Fox has good beers on draft (Guinness, Harp's, Smithwicks) as well as a small wine selection. The prices are reasonable, a Guinness and gin and tonic cost me only $7. The Fox has a pretty extensive menu that covers everything from a basic cheeseburger to more extravagant fare. There is a section on the menu called "Cock and Bull". Apparently this is an English term for sandwiches, meaning that one can substitute chicken for beef (hamburger) on any one of the sandwiches included in the section. I haven't eaten there yet but everything on the menu sounded good and I have no doubt that the food is fresh and well prepared.

Not surprisingly The Fox is an English themed bar. This is due to the fact that the owner is an Englishman, who many years ago made the unfortunate decision to leave his homeland and emigrate to the Midwest. Prior to opening The Fox, he owned and operated the River Beach Pub in Chillicothe.

Another aspect of The Fox worth mentioning is it's connection to hockey, especially the Peoria Youth Hockey Association. The PYHA holds some of their meetings at The Fox and the Cheesemans are extensively involved with youth hockey in the Peoria area. One of the sons, Bo spent 4 years in pro hockey playing for minor league NHL affiliates in various leagues, including a stint with the Peoria Rivermen back in the their ECHL days. So, not only can you expect to catch English Premier League football (that's right the original football that actually involves using one's feet) games there, you can also count on watching a variety of NHL games there on a given night. I am currently looking forward to the upcoming USA/England World Cup match, at which time I will go to The Fox and talk all kinds of shit to the Cheesemans, despite the fact that the US will probably get their collective asses handed to them. So mark your calendars for June 10, 2010. The US team will be taking on those imperial bastards from across the pond at 1:30 in the afternoon. Join me at The Fox for beers and many drunken chants of USA! USA! USA!

16th of August 2010 Update: First off, we won! Ok, we tied but that's better than losing, right? Secondly, I have finally eaten at the Fox and it was a good experience. I had the fish and chips which was fantastic. My guest had the brisket which was also good but left a little bit to be desired in the portions departments. It was fine for her but I would have liked it to be a little larger. There was however, plenty of "chips" (read: fries) to go around, both meals left us with leftovers. With two pints of London Pride and some chips and salsa, our bill was just over thirty dollars. Let me just say that, it might have been just me but London Pride is some strong shit. It tastes a little like Smithwick's but less bitter and despite stuffing myself with fish and chips, I still had a pretty good buzz going when we left. Yay London Pride!

So, if you work in the area go check out The Fox Pub and Cafe for lunch, dinner, or drinks after work, you won't be disappointed. I'm glad The Fox has opened and Peoria now has a refuge for those of us who appreciate hockey and football (soccer if you must), two sports that generally don't get the respect they deserve. Now I know where I'll go to watch the Blackhawks make their run for Lord Stanley's Cup and the occasional Premier League match on Saturday mornings (brunch anyone?). So, cheers to the Cheesemans and cheers to The Fox, a Peoria sanctuary for the world's games.

7th of July 2011 Update: The Fox seems like it's become a pretty popular place especially on Thursday "Trivia" nights.  That is all for now.

The Last Hurrah

The Last Hurrah is located in the Northpoint shopping center off N. Knoxville. It's a couple doors down from Firehouse Pizza. As far as I know this bar has been there for quite some time (at least 20 years). I've been told that during the 80's and 90's the Last Hurrah was "the place to be". Since then I think they've seen a drop-off in attendance which (I think) makes it an even better place to go.

The bartender who works there the most is known as Tex (I think it has something to do with his last name). He's a big dude who looks like he might have spent some time in a boxing ring. The guy is an absolute pro. Tex has been tending bar at the Last Hurrah for 15 years or so. He's a laid back guy with a good sense of humor. I say he has a good sense of humor because he usually wears a Cubs shirt which means he has to laugh off many a (usually bad) Cubs joke, coming from some Cardinals fan. If you patron the Last Hurrah 3 times in a two week period, Tex will most likely remember your name, or at least, your drink.

Beyond Tex there are plenty of other reasons to make the Last Hurrah one of your regular stops. First they have dollar drafts EVERY DAY. Obviously they are served in the smaller 8 oz. glasses but this is still a good deal. They also have cheap shots and good mixed drinks, you know, the ones where you can actually taste the booze!

Second, they have a nice new crackbox with tons of trivia and other games (not quite sure what is all on there, my girlfriend usually plays the machine while I watch baseball) as well as Silver Strike, Golden Tee and darts. There is only one pool table but it's really not that hard to get a game in, except for Thursday nights when the Pool League holds the table from 8ish to 10ish. There's usually this middle aged guy in there who is an amazing pool player and tries to shark people. He's cool but can be annoying, he's got a calling card though so you'll know who he is. So, if you are at the Last Hurrah and a 40 something guy wearing glasses says "I'll buy you a beer if you play me", what he means is "I'll buy you a beer if you play me, then you'll win because I'll let you, then I'll try to get you to play me for another beer, if you do I'll let you win again then I'll start trying to play for money". In other words, if you wanna play a couple games and get some beers cool, but once he starts saying "Awwww c'mon lets play for a buck" prepare to lose some cash.

Beyond the entertainment and cheap drinks, the Last Hurrah has another thing going for it; the TV's! They've got two 40 inch LCD's two slightly smaller ones, and an old rear projection in the corner near the pool table. Now, this might not seem like alot but when you take into account that the bar is only twenty feet long, it is. Not only do they have a good amount of TV's for the size of the bar but the bartender will actually ask you want you want to watch! I've been in there before when the place was almost empty and Tex went ahead and turned every TV on the Cubs game, he even put the sound on, awesome.

So, if you've never been to the Last Hurrah before I'd advise you to check it out. That is, if you like laid back, neighborhood taverns where you can get your drinks quickly and cheaply and watch the game. Obviously, the place must be doing something right, it's been there for a long time, even when the Northpoint shopping center did not have much, there was always the Last Hurrah.

Bananas Alehouse and Eatery

First of all let me just say that when this bar opened my friends and I went there all the time. It is located on Willow Knolls Rd. between Allen and Radnor which is very close to where most of my friends (boozehounds) live. We used to go up there every Thursday because they have $2 U Call - Its. We were the regulars and could pretty much do whatever we want. Some examples would be: smoking pot/cigarettes in the bathroom (post smoking ban) being loud and unruly, and generally obstructing normal people (non boozehounds) who were trying to enjoy their pinot noir or whatever stupid fucking drink they were drinking that costed more than 2 bucks. It was fun and sadly now it is just lame.

Beyond Thursdays the only good night to go there is Saturday when they have one dollar wells. By the way, I still feel like I'm getting ripped off by paying one dollar for a shot of Ten High. What, was Big Lots out of fucking Kessler? One good thing about Bananas is that they probably have the highest ratio of hot chicks to not hot chicks on Peoria's Northside. However, as many an experienced drinker will tell you wherever there are hot chicks getting plastered on dollar vodka tonics, there will inevetably be an inordinate number of sleazy douchebags in Affliction t-shirts. Six months ago you couldn't throw a rock in LA, NY, or Chicago without hitting some wanna-be trendsetter with one these shirts and fucking scarf (so your neck is cold but your arms aren't?) and now these hideous clothes have finally made their way to Peoria. The Affliction t-shirt fan club apparently meets every Saturday night at Bananas to discuss how awesome Seether is and drop crappy pickup lines on hot milfs and young up and comers in whore heels. Awesome.

Now, I will provide all you guys and girls out there with the real problem afflicting (see what I did there) this poor excuse for a bar. If your only goal for going out on a particular night is to pick up a piece of strange, or you wish you could afford more Ed Hardy shirts this place might be right for you. However if you have any intention of tracking more than one sporting event, you, my poor uninformed friend are shit out of luck. That is because Bananas has only one TV. That's right One. Fucking. Television.

On a recent Saturday, the majority of my friends (wastoids) were at Bananas and I was the Last Hurrah (a REAL bar) watching the ND Purdue game. I wanted to go there (you know 1TVBar) and join them but not until I was assured by one of my less drunk friends that he would make sure that Notre Dame football would be on. When I arrived, the 1TVBar was showing Texas Tech vs. Who Cares! It Texas Tech for fucks sake! Immediately I wanted to lace into this idiot, because on a Saturday night it takes approximately 1 hour to change the channel. He then informed me that someone had actually requested that the channel be changed to the Tech game. So I asked the bartender to change it back, which he did. In between the 3rd and 4th quarters I went outside to smoke and when I came back in I found myself watching Penn State vs. Iowa. Sigh. The two guys sitting next to me were the perpetrators of this act so I could not vent my frustration freely (was still too sober to start shit). So I did what any responsible fan would do and asked for the remote. So, for the next 30 minutes I dutifully switched back and forth between the two games, a task which I performed admirably due to years of armchair quarterbacking. Actually, I did it so well that a complete fucking stranger came up and congratulated me on my remote control prowess. So, ND won, Penn State lost and 1TVBar is officially on the shit list.

When this place first opened I understood that maybe it would take them a while to get a couple more LCD's but almost 3 years later it has not happened! This is an indefensible act.

Other notes on 1TVBar. The food sucks (except for Butch's pizza, which is always good) and you can only get it during the day. All they make is crappy sandwiches, chips and salsa and a buffet that has chili and some form of chicken tortilla soup that isn't as good as the retarded shit I put together after a night of hard drinking and usually involves noodles and leftover chicken wings. Another thing that drives me nuts about this shithole is the bathroom. There's a toilet and a urinal but for some reason whenever some D-Bag goes in there he locks the door like he has some embarassing medical condition that requires him to sit down when he pees. Whenever this would happen before I would just jiggle the handle until it unlocked itself (much to the dismay of Mr. Stage Fright) and went in there and pissed but now they have replaced that lock and it is no longer possible (trust me I've tried).

To sum up, if you just wanna go out, catch the game and get your drinks in a reasonable amount of time, don't go here on any Saturday or Thursday. The rest of the week is OK, except for the fact that the jukebox must be kept at the lowest level possible until 8:00 because of the fucking nail salon next door. Also Crazy Lady is there alot, I'll explain her later.

Update I: Monday nights are free pool and $4 domestic pitchers, Tuesdays are $2 Heineken and Shocktop and $3 Monster bombs

Update II: Banana's is under fire from the city liquor commision. Apparently they have a class 2 (I think) liquor license that requires them to have 25 or 30% of their profits be from food sales. Apparently, their lackluster menu wasn't quite cutting it because they've been using sales of things like orange juice and counting it as food. They'll probably get fined. Honestly I don't understand why they don't just pop for the class 1 liquor license. If they hadn't spent a bunch of money by having lawyers fight this thing, they might have had enough cash get the class 1 LL.